My whole life I’ve had a fear of failure. It has paralyzed me, caused me to procrastinate and sit on the side lines.

Years ago a friend asked me if I would sub in on a game of ultimate frisbee. It was a coed team and they needed another girl to even out the numbers so they could play.

I declined.

I didn’t say no because I wasn’t interested in playing. I said no because I was afraid. Afraid I would be the worst on the team. Afraid I would cause them to lose. Afraid of being judged. Afraid to fail.

I consider myself an athletic person. I won sportsmanship of the year awards several times in high school, was on the track team, won nearly ever event I entered and was generally competent in any sport I decide to play. Yet, I wouldn’t join in on a fun game of ultimate frisbee??? 

WTF

This is a petty example but it highlights how stupid this mindset is. Being so afraid to fail that you become inactive and hold yourself back from experiencing new things….even failing to participate in something as silly as a game of ultimate. 

I’m not alone here, fear of failure is one of the top reasons that people don’t achieve their goals.

WHY ARE WE AFRAID TO FAIL?

Failure is a totally normal part of learning.

Think about it.

When you’re a baby and your learning to use a spoon for the first time and you jam it in your eye instead of your mouth-hole, you don’t just give up and eat with your hands for the rest of your life?

No, you give it another go…or fifty, and eventually you get your food in your mouth successfully.

So, if failing is a normal part of life where does this crazy fear come from?

Most of us don’t fear failure when it comes to things we can practice over a long period of time. For instance, I am confident that if I played ultimate frisbee every weekend for the next five years then I would feel comfortable accepting an invitation to play on a team. 

It is when we have time to practice and prepare for something that we feel more confident in our abilities.

We tend to be more fearful when it comes to doing something for the first time.

Case in point, I had never played ultimate frisbee so I was afraid I would suck and as a result did not participate (what a loser…right?)

Another problem is that we are conditioned to fear failure from a young age. We experience this in school, at home and in public.

Failure at School

Think about what they teach us in grade school. We are taught new material and then tested on it. You have one chance, just once chance, to get the answer right on the test….or else, you fail.

Failure is not something that is praised and encouraged in the school system. It is something to avoid and is often associated with feelings of shame.

Did you ever have a teacher who would hand back the tests in order of achievement? Those who did great got called first and the person who did the worst got called last. This kind of public shaming does not teach us to embrace failure.

Failure at Home

Sometimes parents set unrealistic expectations for achievement for their children and failure is deemed unacceptable.

If a child or teenage is taught that failing is unacceptable then of course they are going to fear it. According to a study by Teevan (1983)* children who have parents who punish failure but have a neutral emotion towards success are more likely to have a fear of failure than parents who reward success and are neutral towards failure.

Failing in Public

If we are taught that failure is negative and something to be ashamed of then we definitely don’t want to fail in front of our peers or in any public way. A major element that adds to the fear is worrying about what other people will think of us when we fail. 

If You Want to Succeed You Need to Fail

We’ve all heard of the “over night success.” First time authors that produce a New York Times bestseller, YouTube stars that go viral, and garage bands that suddenly have a number one hit.

This is largely a myth.

The people who succeed in life aren’t those who never fail and get it right on the first attempt. The people who succeed are those with the most grit, the most persistence, those with the ability to pick themselves up and keep moving on after they fall flat on their face.

J.K Rowling, author of Harry Potter (for those of you living under a rock), spent 6 years writing the first novel in the series and was rejected by 12 publishers before someone was willing to take a chance on her. At this time she was a divorced single parent who was jobless and living on welfare. Today, according to Forbes, she is worth $650 million. Good thing she didn’t give up after attempt number 11.

Rowling herself was quoted saying “Failure is so important. We speak about success all the time. It is the ability to resist failure or use failure that often leads to greater success. I’ve met people who don’t want to try for fear of failing.”

Check out her inspirational Harvard commencement speech here for some additional words on the importance of failure.

Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb, batteries and phonograph (to name a few) failed thousands of times before he found success with any of his experiments. In response to these ‘failures’ he was quoted saying, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

This is what life is all about. We aren’t born knowing how to feed ourselves, knowing how to play ultimate frisbee or knowing how to invent a lightbulb. We have to try, practice and fail at things in order to learn what works and, equally important, what doesn’t.

How to Fail…a.k.a. How to Succeed 

So, if failure is a normal part of life and a necessary precursor to success how should we do it?

1. 1. Start with something small, something silly, like agreeing to a game of ultimate frisbee. Or, maybe you want to start exercising but are afraid or embarrassed to join a gym. Find an online workout video and start at home. Failing at something small and relatively insignificant will help you to ease into the practice of failing.
   2. Reframe failure. While we have been conditioned to view failure as something negative it should be viewed as an opportunity. If you are able to learn from your previous failures then you can start to view them as instances that allow us to learn and grow.
   3. Practice self compassion. If When you fail, don’t beat yourself up over it. It happens to everyone. Think about what you would say to a friend or a loved one if they experienced the same failure. I bet the internal conversation would change!
   4. Consider the worst case scenario. If fear is holding you back from doing something think to yourself, “if I fail, what is the worst that can happen?” Most failures don’t end in catastrophe. So analyze the situation, come up with a contingency plan to prevent failure and if you can accept the worst case scenario then go for it.
   5. Be persistent. It’s not always them smartest or the most talented people that end of winning the game of life. It’s the people who are most persistent, the people who work the hardest, the people who never give up. If you really want something and really believe in it then don’t give up.
   6. Fail quickly. This point might seem to contradict the previous one, ‘be persistent,’ but hear me out. When you fully believe in something and you receive good, encouraging feedback from everyone around you (not just your mom) then keep going. However, if you are pursing something that you’re a little unsure about and the feedback is mixed or negative then it’s important to know when to pivot, or throw in the towel.

This is tough for most people due in part to the psychology around sunk cost. Sunk cost is when we continue to pursue a business idea, stay in a dead-end relationship or refuse to throw away that pair of skinny jeans that will never fit simply because we have invested our resources (time, money, effort etc.) into it. In fact, we might start to believe in our idea, relationship or ability to lose weight even more because of our investment. This is no good….try to recognize when you have a stinker and cut your losses.

Some Final Thoughts…

My husband is a professional ski coach. When we first started dating he decided that he was going to convert me from a snowboarder to a skier (he couldn’t in good conscience date a snowboarder!!) He is an amazing coach and was very patient with me during our first couple ski dates. However, once he felt like I was competent and ready for a new challenge he brought me to a black diamond and I freaked. I was so pissed at him for taking me there and I was so afraid of falling…and failing…but mainly the fear was about physical injury. In response to my fear he said, “If you don’t fall you aren’t trying hard enough.” So compassionate…right? At the time this just made me angry but it stuck with me and I think about it often because it’s true.

If you don’t push yourself to do the things that scare you, you might lead a safe life, but it won’t be very exciting. When people look back at their lives it’s usually the things they didn’t do that they regret.

So, my parting message to all of you, fellow humans….

Fail early.

Fail often.

It just might make life a bit more interesting!!

References

*Teevan, R. (1983). Childhood development of fear of failure motivation: A replication. Psychological Reports, 53(2), 506.

Photo by Ashes Sitoula on Unsplash