When I was 12 years old my family moved to a new city for my father’s job. We relocated to an area where people had more money than we did.

My dad had great career and was able to financially support our family so my mom could be at home with me and my two younger siblings. By most accounts we were very fortunate. We were a happy, healthy middle class family.

My siblings and I never wanted for anything. We had a nice house in a nice neighbourhood, went on family vacations (via car) and always had what we needed.  

My friends and classmates, on the other hand, lived in mansions, went on family vacations (via airplane) and always had everything that they wanted.

Until we moved I’d never thought about money before. I was only 12.

I couldn’t tell you the brand names of luxury cars, I didn’t know the square footage of our home and I’d never felt uncomfortable about what I had (or didn’t have) when compared to others.

After we moved I felt like an imposter at school. Like I didn’t fit into the “rich kids club.” Like my peers at school would find out that my parents weren’t as wealthy as theirs and I would no longer be accepted.

Even after I graduated from school and went on to post secondary these feelings lingered.

I was still surrounded by the “haves” of society.

During my masters degree I worked in healthcare with MD’s, PhD’s and MBAs, many of my co-workers had all three titles. These were major overachievers and they made ALOT of money.

Being constantly surrounded by people with MORE, more money, more credentials, more success, made me feel anxious and embarrassed.

I was legitimately ashamed of where my boyfriend and I lived, what we had…or didn’t have, and I was overly concerned with what these people thought of us.

Whenever we were invited out to a party or gathering by one of my colleagues my first reaction was to think of an excuse for why we couldn’t go. Heaven forbid we have to try and make small talk with people that are so much more accomplished and financially successful.

Trust me, I know what this sounds like. Oh, the poor middle class girl who had the opportunity to go to grad school is feeling bad for herself.

I get it. It’s obnoxious. There are way more people with way less and I feel like an ass-hole talking about this. But, my feelings were real. My anxiety and lack of confidence really held me back. And I’m sharing this now because I know I’m not the only person to have felt this way.

In order to overcome these negative feelings it’s crucial that we find a way to separate our net worth from our self worth.

Say it with me, “Your net worth is NOT your self worth!!”

One of the mantras spouted by top self help guru’s is that in order to be successful you should surround yourself with successful people.

If you want to be smarter, sit next to the smartest person in the room. If wealth is what you’re after, sit next to the richest person in the room….you get where I’m going.

Until recently I could never wrap my head around this. I would never seek out the smartest, richest or best looking person. Far from it. The thought of doing this would lead to heart palpitations and excessive sweating.

Instead, I would sit next to the most approachable looking person…why? Out of fear of being judged. Out of fear of someone thinking that I was not enough. Out of fear of looking like an impostor or sounding stupid.

If you have ever felt “less then” or judged based on your financial standing know that you are not alone. But also know that there are things you can do to overcome this.

How to separate your net worth from your self worth

1. Change your environment

When I finished graduate school and physically moved on to a new job in a new environment the result was life changing.

I was no longer exclusively surrounded by the most high achieving people. I mean, I have a graduate degree and I felt like a dumb dumb on a daily basis.

Again, some would argue that making the move away from these overachievers was a bad idea. “If you want to be successful, surround yourself with successful people.” And while I largely agree with this, I personally needed to make a physical change in order to change my mental state. 

By moving on I no longer had to deal with the feeling of a power differential between me, “the lowly student,” and the others (the MD’s with PhD’s and MBA’s).

I should note that the people I’m referring to, my overachieving co-workers, were wonderful, amazing, intelligent and kind people. They never did anything to make me feel uncomfortable or unaccepted. I did this entirely to myself.

Another way to change your environment is through travel. There’s a whole wide world out there full of interesting, diverse people and endless learning opportunities.

If you are lucky enough to have the means to travel then get out there, open your eyes to the way people in other parts of the world live. See what REAL poverty looks like. See how happy some people can be with next to nothing.

Gain some real perspective.

2. Stop worrying about what people think of you and focus on what you think of them

This is something I never did. I am a people pleaser.

I want people to like me and think I am nice, smart, pretty and kind.

I used to care (and often still do) so much about what other people thought of me that I NEVER took a step back to think about what I thought of them.

I mean truly, if someone was going to judge me and dismiss me because I didn’t have a big house or drive a nice car, is that really someone I wanted to be friends with?

Absolutely not, so why did I care?

Did I judge people based on what they had?

No.

Was I willing to be friends with people who made less money than me?

Of course.

I was the sole source of my own anxiety.

3. Change your mindset

One of the things that helped me separate my sense of self worth from my net worth the most was increasing my financial literacy.

When I started to read books and blogs about personal finance my entire perception about money and wealth began to change. So, shout out to the personal finance community at large. You guys are amazing!!

I’ve always been pretty good with money, that was not my issue. My problem was that I put people with money on a pedestal. 

I’m not the only one, our entire society does this.

Celebrities, athletes and real estate tycoons are held to a different standard.

Why…? Because they are better humans beings?

Nope.

Because they have more money than we do. As a society we seem to put money ahead of everything.

Increasing my financial knowledge allowed me to see money for what it is…a tool to accomplish a goal.

It made me realize how many people needlessly go into debt just to “keep up with the Joneses.” I decided I didn’t want to be one of those people.

By increasing my knowledge about personal finance I was motivated to take my money out of actively controlled mutual finds and start investing for myself with passive index funds.

When I increased my knowledge about money, I felt more in control. Money and success didn’t seem so foreign and unattainable. With time and discipline I felt that I could achieve my financial goals.  

4. Be fucking proud of who you are

I am smart. I am hardworking. I am kind, caring and empathetic. I treat people the way I want to be treated…all people.

I’m not trying to toot my own horn, I just sometimes need to remind myself that I’m a good person, a good mother, wife and friend and there’s no reason that I should feel anxious or ashamed of who I am. 

We need to be reminded to judge ourselves based on what we do and how we treat others instead of what we have and the image of ourselves that we have carefully curated for social media.

5. Focus on something outside of yourself

I really feel that another monumental shift in the way I thought about myself and others occurred when I had a child. I just stopped caring so much about what other people thought of me. I had better things to do, like care for another human being.

You don’t have to be a parent to feel this. It’s really about gaining perspective.

I felt a similar feeling when I volunteered at a crisis centre doing intake. I heard stories from people who are going through some super intense, super sad shit.

Moms who want to leave their abusive husbands but can’t because they have no access to money. People suffering from debilitating mental health issues. People contemplating suicide because they just can’t deal with the pain of life anymore. It’s heartbreaking and eye opening.

If you have a roof over your head, food on your table, clothes on your back and, most importantly, your health, then you are doing better than soooo many other people in this world. I try to remind myself of this when I start to compare myself to others with more.

6. Diversify your people

I love my friends from high school and I feel so lucky that we still see each other, that we can raise our children together and share years of amazing memories.

However, all of my wealthy friends from high school became wealthy adults and sometimes my husband and I feel like we can’t quite keep up, despite having good jobs that we enjoy and living a comfortable life.

It’s important to have friends and acquaintances from all walks of life to remind us that not everyone lives life by the same playbook… or paycheque.

Some people go to college, some don’t graduate from high school. Some people spend $500.00 on jeans, some shop at thrift stores. Some people can afford to live in mansions but choose to live a modest life while some live a champagne life on a beer budget.

7. Looks can be deceiving

In a social media world overrun with filters, lighting and photoshop galore we should all be aware that looks can be deceiving but I think it’s easy to forget.

When I look at a perfectly curated picture I don’t think about the hours of planning and editing that went into it. I fall victim to the illusion and think “wow, look at her skin, her house, his car, that vacation….they really must have it all.” 

It doesn’t matter how smart you think you are or how immune you feel to the grips of social media, we all fall for it.

To sum it up…your net worth is NOT your self worth

If you can look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, ignoring the bed head and sleepy eyes, and feel good about the person looking back at you because you are kind, honest, empathetic and fair, then you should feel worthy.

Life is not about how much money we make, how many followers we have, or how many possessions we own.

None of this STUFF matters at the end of the day.

When you are old and grey and looking back on your life it is the people, the experience and the memories you will cherish most. You will judge your life based on the kind of person you were and the way you treated others.

It’s an important lesson to learn so say it loud and say it proud, “your net worth is NOT your self worth!”

I want to hear from you. Do you ever feel like your self worth is influenced by you net worth?

References

All pictures from unsplash